I just finished my finals. I'm a excited but just a little. I'm more nervous, but I know everything would be great ( because i'm awesomee )so I'm not understanding the nervousness. I guess it just the random thoughts of 'what ifs'. Nothing unusual here but anyway back to the topic. I'm just starting to realize how crazy it that we know we are so fucking awesome but when couple people dont like us, we start to doubt our awesomeness.
Years ago, it would really bother me when everything was not 100% as I expected and this included when everyone did not like me. I got annoyed with myself I felt that when the number of people that like me compared to the number that didn't wasn't below the arbitrary ratio I set out for myself. The one time was physically confronted about this by a stranger changed this .Weirdly, this is how it started. I went to say hello to a friend and a barely noticable short, dark skinned girl was sitting across from me.
She wasn't the friend but I had heard of her, so I knew her name and that was about it. Almost suddenly , she got up and started to yell that she doesn't like me,she doesnt like my life. It wasn't funny. She was extremely furious like I had personally offended her or attacked her. For the most part I was confused and sad, the fact that I had two people that I considered friends not have anything to say to defend me made me a lot sadder and confused, in fact one of them proceeded to introduce herself to this girl boiling with rage and I am almost certain that the other one had filled her minds with bugs but that's a different story on it's own .
I don't know whether she wanted me to convince her that I am a wonderful person if she just got to know me and she did not need to have all that anger towards me but I felt like that was what I needed to do. I wanted to ask her why she didn't like me and what I could do to change it but I ended up telling her it was fine if she didn't like me. In my head , I was like "what did I just say? it is not okay if someone doesn't like me!" "It would never be fine. Everyone has to like me, one hundred percent!!"
It wasn't until much later that I realized that it was not my job to make people like me. People are generally selective in perception meaning they are going to see, hear and believe what they want, whether you're right or wrong. It's not my job to convince you otherwise. If you like me, you do, if you don't, you don't. That's the beauty of being human, we're free to form opinions, and it's okay. I would never say don't judge me , you are free to judge me, but to me there's really only one judgment that counts. And I am STILL fucking awesomeeee!!!!
Paulo Coelho - "If everybody loves you, something is wrong. Find at least one enemy to keep you alert."
What i'm listening to
If I lose myself - One Republic
The Sweet Escape-Gwen Stefani
Stuck like a glue - Sugarland
Farmer's daughter- Rodney Atkins
Breakeven- The Script
A Thousand Years - Christina Perri
Big City Life- Mattafix
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Dwelling in Perfect Solitude
I'm lonely. I'm not complaining, I'm not sad about it or anything. In fact, I like being alone. If I could be any lonelier , which I am working on, I would. In 50 years or so , I see myself as that old widowed / never-been-married woman with a dozen cats or pups (most likely puppies, cats have always sort of scared me ) and an adopted, runaway Somalian child. I don't hate people, I love people. I just don't like spending time with people, I get tired or bored. I always expect more from someone and I often get disappointed when they are not that kind of person that I imagined them to be or I wished them to be. I often imagine my perfect companion that I would never get tired of, but I worry that if they did exist and we happened to collide into each other and bond, their perfectness would bore me too. People aren't boring. There are lots of things to learn about a person, but sadly the more time I spend with a person , the less eager I am to know them.
I took me a while to learn how to be on my own. I always had a lonely soul, but I never wanted people to see that while in boarding school. I often got uncomfortable walking alone no matter how short the distance was, I always had to walk with someone, preferably a crowd of people. In my head, seen walking alone, people think about you and focus all their attention on you and most of the times, I hated attention because I had no clue how to deal with it. I used people to mask my loneliness from myself and from everyone else, I didn't care for a relationship or friendship with them, all that I still believe to be hard work but it was a price I was willing to pay for my intentions, after all it couldn't really be that bad....right ?? More about in later chapters. So yeah, I'm not the clear-cut definition of a lonely person, my exterior (the ultimate litmus test of ones characters and personality ) is far from it, I've had friends and I still have friends but deep inside I'm that lonely soul hungering to embrace and dwell in perfect solitude.
I took me a while to learn how to be on my own. I always had a lonely soul, but I never wanted people to see that while in boarding school. I often got uncomfortable walking alone no matter how short the distance was, I always had to walk with someone, preferably a crowd of people. In my head, seen walking alone, people think about you and focus all their attention on you and most of the times, I hated attention because I had no clue how to deal with it. I used people to mask my loneliness from myself and from everyone else, I didn't care for a relationship or friendship with them, all that I still believe to be hard work but it was a price I was willing to pay for my intentions, after all it couldn't really be that bad....right ?? More about in later chapters. So yeah, I'm not the clear-cut definition of a lonely person, my exterior (the ultimate litmus test of ones characters and personality ) is far from it, I've had friends and I still have friends but deep inside I'm that lonely soul hungering to embrace and dwell in perfect solitude.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Thinking and Self Reflection
Life was a lot easier when I was younger. Situations were easier to deal with. Concepts were simple and easier to understand. A lot of people knew more than enough about me, I had people who knew me. I've always been too hung up on the past, fully understanding that things would never be the same. I'd spend countless hours thinking about it, wondering how things would have turned out if I didn't take various paths that I had chosen to take. For the most part, I imagined they would have turned out better.
I think the most changed happened in my freshman year of college, I entered this new world with a fifteen year old body. My biggest fear was to not been taken seriously because I was younger than everyone else , so I rebelled. Now that I look back , I should have just let my fifteen year old self be who she was. I can barely understand what goes on in my head anymore. So I'm using this moment in this dark, noiseless living room with no other source of light but my laptop screen to further understand me, myself and my mind. This is my first self reflection i'm really not sure if i'm doing it right but here goes
Would I do it all over again if I could ? I know I'm supposed to say no but Yes, yes I would. But since I can't where do I go from here ?
Don't waste time with relationships you see no future in
Quickly made relationships should rarely be relied on
Attention from the male species is unnecessary, they bring you babies and emotional wreckage.
Fake friends are easy to spot. Trust your instincts. Please, please open your eyes.The end result can hurt really bad.
Be nicer to people, even those that did you wrong (some of them ) give a smile, try your best. It warms your heart.
Try to put an effort in creating and maintaining your friendships, but not too much effort. Those that require a lot would usually never be worth it.
Don't be afraid to let go of people holding you down , but don't let people go so hastily.
Try and open up to people, break out of your comfort zone. Socialize
Friends come and most especially they go, don't be too hard on yourself when dealing with it .
When being shown love , don't push it away ,at least try to acknowledge it.
Don't ever feel unworthy, don't speculate on people's true intentions too much, they are mostly not meant to be discovered.
Don't over-think things, enjoy life's simplicity
Sleep peacefully.
I think the most changed happened in my freshman year of college, I entered this new world with a fifteen year old body. My biggest fear was to not been taken seriously because I was younger than everyone else , so I rebelled. Now that I look back , I should have just let my fifteen year old self be who she was. I can barely understand what goes on in my head anymore. So I'm using this moment in this dark, noiseless living room with no other source of light but my laptop screen to further understand me, myself and my mind. This is my first self reflection i'm really not sure if i'm doing it right but here goes
Would I do it all over again if I could ? I know I'm supposed to say no but Yes, yes I would. But since I can't where do I go from here ?
Don't waste time with relationships you see no future in
Quickly made relationships should rarely be relied on
Attention from the male species is unnecessary, they bring you babies and emotional wreckage.
Fake friends are easy to spot. Trust your instincts. Please, please open your eyes.The end result can hurt really bad.
Be nicer to people, even those that did you wrong (some of them ) give a smile, try your best. It warms your heart.
Try to put an effort in creating and maintaining your friendships, but not too much effort. Those that require a lot would usually never be worth it.
Don't be afraid to let go of people holding you down , but don't let people go so hastily.
Try and open up to people, break out of your comfort zone. Socialize
Friends come and most especially they go, don't be too hard on yourself when dealing with it .
When being shown love , don't push it away ,at least try to acknowledge it.
Don't ever feel unworthy, don't speculate on people's true intentions too much, they are mostly not meant to be discovered.
Don't over-think things, enjoy life's simplicity
Sleep peacefully.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Turning 18
I just turned 18 whoo hooo!!! According to U.S Laws and a majority of the countries of the world. I am an ADULT. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd my head is blank. So what do I have planned for today. Welll I have classes from 11 until 9pm. Treasurer training for my campus organization , an essay on the world ending in 2 weeks due today and an asian economic history book review yet to be composed. Some how I am still very ecstatic about today, I mean why wouldn't I be! I am 18 now. You could put me under a pile of the London dungeon rats and I'd still be ecstatic ( not about the condition, of course). I am just happy to see another year. On a special day like this, while when most people are hung up about who came to their after party,who called, who bought them cards, gift etc,what I think about the most (outside of my fabulous self ,of course) are the people who have been there for me and had my back the entire year! and I hope we have another year. Those are my family and true friends. and I truly appreciate each and everyone of you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
- written September 12 2012 , but never got posted.
- written September 12 2012 , but never got posted.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Fullest Life
Live every day on a fresh new start. Be true to who you are.Quit complaining. Be proactive. Rather than think “what if”, think “next time”.Focus on WHAT vs. How. Create your own opportunities.Live more consciously each day. Be committed to your growth.Know your inner self.Discover your life purpose. Live in alignment with your purpose.Set your life commandments.Discover your values.Hold yourself to the highest conduct.Design your ideal life.Stop putting life on hold.Create your life handbook. Set your goals.Take action on your goals and dreams.Create your bucket list.Don’t do things for the sake of doing them.Do the things you love, Discover your passion in life. Make your passion a full-fledged career. Turn your passion into a huge success.Learn from criticism. Be positive.Don’t badmouth other people.Be empathetic.Be a compassionate person.Develop 100% self-belief. Let go of unhappy past. Forgive those. Let go of attachments. Let go of relationships that do not serve you. Spend more time with people who enable you. Build genuine, authentic connections Connect with an old friend.Do a kind deed a day.Help other people who are in needHelp people when they least expect it, without reason. Go dating (if you’re single).Fall in love ♥
.Review your life. Overcome procrastination. 30 minutes a day. Get out there and make new friends.Make deeper connections. Be your advisor (from the future). Write a letter to your future self. Declutter. Keep learning.Keep developing yourself.Try new things.Get yourself out there.Be the absolute best in what you do.Don’t settle. Stretch yourself. Embrace new ideas. Create your inspirational haven. Behave as your ideal self will.Set your role models in life. Get mentors and/or coaches.Uncover your blind spots. .Increase your consciousness. Ask for feedback. Generate passive income.Help others live their best lives. Get married / Start your family / Have kids!Improve the world. Spearhead a humanitarian causeGive more value than you receive.Be big picture focus. Be clear of your end objective.Go the 80/20 route.Prioritize (80/20 actions). Live in the moment.Relish in the little moments. Take a break.Stop wanting things a certain way. Focus on creation. Don’t criticize or judge others. The only person you can change is yourself. Embrace gratitude. Express gratitude.Let loose and have fun. Get into nature.You have a choice.Laugh more. Embrace change. Be more risk-inclined. Embrace mistakes. Embrace disappointments. Challenge your fears. Maximize your mind, body, heart and soul. Be your best self. Love yourself. Love others. Last but not least: Love life. Saturday, December 17, 2011
No matter how long your night the sun arise, No matter how dark your night the sun arise.
The movie 'Sitanda' has such an amazing story, but the most amazing part of the movie was the last song and scene of the story. A force took me back to the clip to know what exactly was being said. It turned out to be "No matter how long your night the sun arise, no matter how dark your night the sun arise.". My interpretation of the words tell me that no matter how long and horrible a bad situation is, it will always get better. It WILL happen, not MAY. I know it. The sun will ALWAYS rise after the night. Unknowingly, I've lived this way and I will continue to live this way. It's funny how hearing these words sang into my ears today made me feel so happy this morning. And it will put me through all the negative situations that would happen in the future. Why is this important? surely just knowing that things will get better would make me never give up. I may have just purchased sweatpants but I am not defeated and will never be.
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