I'm lonely. I'm not complaining, I'm not sad about it or anything. In fact, I like being alone. If I could be any lonelier , which I am working on, I would. In 50 years or so , I see myself as that old widowed / never-been-married woman with a dozen cats or pups (most likely puppies, cats have always sort of scared me ) and an adopted, runaway Somalian child. I don't hate people, I love people. I just don't like spending time with people, I get tired or bored. I always expect more from someone and I often get disappointed when they are not that kind of person that I imagined them to be or I wished them to be. I often imagine my perfect companion that I would never get tired of, but I worry that if they did exist and we happened to collide into each other and bond, their perfectness would bore me too. People aren't boring. There are lots of things to learn about a person, but sadly the more time I spend with a person , the less eager I am to know them.
I took me a while to learn how to be on my own. I always had a lonely soul, but I never wanted people to see that while in boarding school. I often got uncomfortable walking alone no matter how short the distance was, I always had to walk with someone, preferably a crowd of people. In my head, seen walking alone, people think about you and focus all their attention on you and most of the times, I hated attention because I had no clue how to deal with it. I used people to mask my loneliness from myself and from everyone else, I didn't care for a relationship or friendship with them, all that I still believe to be hard work but it was a price I was willing to pay for my intentions, after all it couldn't really be that bad....right ?? More about in later chapters. So yeah, I'm not the clear-cut definition of a lonely person, my exterior (the ultimate litmus test of ones characters and personality ) is far from it, I've had friends and I still have friends but deep inside I'm that lonely soul hungering to embrace and dwell in perfect solitude.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Thinking and Self Reflection
Life was a lot easier when I was younger. Situations were easier to deal with. Concepts were simple and easier to understand. A lot of people knew more than enough about me, I had people who knew me. I've always been too hung up on the past, fully understanding that things would never be the same. I'd spend countless hours thinking about it, wondering how things would have turned out if I didn't take various paths that I had chosen to take. For the most part, I imagined they would have turned out better.
I think the most changed happened in my freshman year of college, I entered this new world with a fifteen year old body. My biggest fear was to not been taken seriously because I was younger than everyone else , so I rebelled. Now that I look back , I should have just let my fifteen year old self be who she was. I can barely understand what goes on in my head anymore. So I'm using this moment in this dark, noiseless living room with no other source of light but my laptop screen to further understand me, myself and my mind. This is my first self reflection i'm really not sure if i'm doing it right but here goes
Would I do it all over again if I could ? I know I'm supposed to say no but Yes, yes I would. But since I can't where do I go from here ?
Don't waste time with relationships you see no future in
Quickly made relationships should rarely be relied on
Attention from the male species is unnecessary, they bring you babies and emotional wreckage.
Fake friends are easy to spot. Trust your instincts. Please, please open your eyes.The end result can hurt really bad.
Be nicer to people, even those that did you wrong (some of them ) give a smile, try your best. It warms your heart.
Try to put an effort in creating and maintaining your friendships, but not too much effort. Those that require a lot would usually never be worth it.
Don't be afraid to let go of people holding you down , but don't let people go so hastily.
Try and open up to people, break out of your comfort zone. Socialize
Friends come and most especially they go, don't be too hard on yourself when dealing with it .
When being shown love , don't push it away ,at least try to acknowledge it.
Don't ever feel unworthy, don't speculate on people's true intentions too much, they are mostly not meant to be discovered.
Don't over-think things, enjoy life's simplicity
Sleep peacefully.
I think the most changed happened in my freshman year of college, I entered this new world with a fifteen year old body. My biggest fear was to not been taken seriously because I was younger than everyone else , so I rebelled. Now that I look back , I should have just let my fifteen year old self be who she was. I can barely understand what goes on in my head anymore. So I'm using this moment in this dark, noiseless living room with no other source of light but my laptop screen to further understand me, myself and my mind. This is my first self reflection i'm really not sure if i'm doing it right but here goes
Would I do it all over again if I could ? I know I'm supposed to say no but Yes, yes I would. But since I can't where do I go from here ?
Don't waste time with relationships you see no future in
Quickly made relationships should rarely be relied on
Attention from the male species is unnecessary, they bring you babies and emotional wreckage.
Fake friends are easy to spot. Trust your instincts. Please, please open your eyes.The end result can hurt really bad.
Be nicer to people, even those that did you wrong (some of them ) give a smile, try your best. It warms your heart.
Try to put an effort in creating and maintaining your friendships, but not too much effort. Those that require a lot would usually never be worth it.
Don't be afraid to let go of people holding you down , but don't let people go so hastily.
Try and open up to people, break out of your comfort zone. Socialize
Friends come and most especially they go, don't be too hard on yourself when dealing with it .
When being shown love , don't push it away ,at least try to acknowledge it.
Don't ever feel unworthy, don't speculate on people's true intentions too much, they are mostly not meant to be discovered.
Don't over-think things, enjoy life's simplicity
Sleep peacefully.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Turning 18
I just turned 18 whoo hooo!!! According to U.S Laws and a majority of the countries of the world. I am an ADULT. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd my head is blank. So what do I have planned for today. Welll I have classes from 11 until 9pm. Treasurer training for my campus organization , an essay on the world ending in 2 weeks due today and an asian economic history book review yet to be composed. Some how I am still very ecstatic about today, I mean why wouldn't I be! I am 18 now. You could put me under a pile of the London dungeon rats and I'd still be ecstatic ( not about the condition, of course). I am just happy to see another year. On a special day like this, while when most people are hung up about who came to their after party,who called, who bought them cards, gift etc,what I think about the most (outside of my fabulous self ,of course) are the people who have been there for me and had my back the entire year! and I hope we have another year. Those are my family and true friends. and I truly appreciate each and everyone of you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!
- written September 12 2012 , but never got posted.
- written September 12 2012 , but never got posted.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Fullest Life
Live every day on a fresh new start. Be true to who you are.Quit complaining. Be proactive. Rather than think “what if”, think “next time”.Focus on WHAT vs. How. Create your own opportunities.Live more consciously each day. Be committed to your growth.Know your inner self.Discover your life purpose. Live in alignment with your purpose.Set your life commandments.Discover your values.Hold yourself to the highest conduct.Design your ideal life.Stop putting life on hold.Create your life handbook. Set your goals.Take action on your goals and dreams.Create your bucket list.Don’t do things for the sake of doing them.Do the things you love, Discover your passion in life. Make your passion a full-fledged career. Turn your passion into a huge success.Learn from criticism. Be positive.Don’t badmouth other people.Be empathetic.Be a compassionate person.Develop 100% self-belief. Let go of unhappy past. Forgive those. Let go of attachments. Let go of relationships that do not serve you. Spend more time with people who enable you. Build genuine, authentic connections Connect with an old friend.Do a kind deed a day.Help other people who are in needHelp people when they least expect it, without reason. Go dating (if you’re single).Fall in love ♥
.Review your life. Overcome procrastination. 30 minutes a day. Get out there and make new friends.Make deeper connections. Be your advisor (from the future). Write a letter to your future self. Declutter. Keep learning.Keep developing yourself.Try new things.Get yourself out there.Be the absolute best in what you do.Don’t settle. Stretch yourself. Embrace new ideas. Create your inspirational haven. Behave as your ideal self will.Set your role models in life. Get mentors and/or coaches.Uncover your blind spots. .Increase your consciousness. Ask for feedback. Generate passive income.Help others live their best lives. Get married / Start your family / Have kids!Improve the world. Spearhead a humanitarian causeGive more value than you receive.Be big picture focus. Be clear of your end objective.Go the 80/20 route.Prioritize (80/20 actions). Live in the moment.Relish in the little moments. Take a break.Stop wanting things a certain way. Focus on creation. Don’t criticize or judge others. The only person you can change is yourself. Embrace gratitude. Express gratitude.Let loose and have fun. Get into nature.You have a choice.Laugh more. Embrace change. Be more risk-inclined. Embrace mistakes. Embrace disappointments. Challenge your fears. Maximize your mind, body, heart and soul. Be your best self. Love yourself. Love others. Last but not least: Love life.
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