I'm lonely. I'm not complaining, I'm not sad about it or anything. In fact, I like being alone. If I could be any lonelier , which I am working on, I would. In 50 years or so , I see myself as that old widowed / never-been-married woman with a dozen cats or pups (most likely puppies, cats have always sort of scared me ) and an adopted, runaway Somalian child. I don't hate people, I love people. I just don't like spending time with people, I get tired or bored. I always expect more from someone and I often get disappointed when they are not that kind of person that I imagined them to be or I wished them to be. I often imagine my perfect companion that I would never get tired of, but I worry that if they did exist and we happened to collide into each other and bond, their perfectness would bore me too. People aren't boring. There are lots of things to learn about a person, but sadly the more time I spend with a person , the less eager I am to know them.
I took me a while to learn how to be on my own. I always had a lonely soul, but I never wanted people to see that while in boarding school. I often got uncomfortable walking alone no matter how short the distance was, I always had to walk with someone, preferably a crowd of people. In my head, seen walking alone, people think about you and focus all their attention on you and most of the times, I hated attention because I had no clue how to deal with it. I used people to mask my loneliness from myself and from everyone else, I didn't care for a relationship or friendship with them, all that I still believe to be hard work but it was a price I was willing to pay for my intentions, after all it couldn't really be that bad....right ?? More about in later chapters. So yeah, I'm not the clear-cut definition of a lonely person, my exterior (the ultimate litmus test of ones characters and personality ) is far from it, I've had friends and I still have friends but deep inside I'm that lonely soul hungering to embrace and dwell in perfect solitude.
